News

Its been awhile since I last blog, you'll have to excuse me there lately I just vent on twitter but even there it seem no one cares I have some news that's been going on I might have a new neighbor Jason is supposedly moving into that house so yay I have him as my neighbor note my sarcasm in that sentences he told and I quote "No more of a way of me torturing you in the sense that I would be a lot closer than you thought" Isn't that great. Zack coming home this year for xmas even though I am quite worry about him because it is also when his wife die last year so I need to keep an eye on him he worries me and I just want be a good friend and watch over him like he has for me.

I also wrote something for him and send it to him I suppose you can call it a memory I am fond of and a reminder here I post it on here look down.........................

I suppose you can say this a story or a memory that I am quite fond of, it’s about some someone I met when I was lonely freshmen in high school and how this person impacted my life. I guess I’ll start with the beginning, I had come into Pete Knight freshmen year but it was different I was alone with no best friends and very scared of a new place, but one thing I felt safe knowing my older brother Freddy a senior then was going to be there and although the relationship between my older brother and me is very confusing and odd but we had a bond. But I will tell you Freddy isn’t your normal older brother Freddy is very calm and emotionless man wearing a poking face and raising an iron fist, I would have thought being his little sister Freddy would help me in high school knowing I am scared and nervous. In the end I was wrong…you see Freddy only helped me one time, it the first day and told me where to go I still didn’t know he left and I was on my own looking, safe to say by the end of the day I was miserable and beyond hurt how my brother treated me, school was miserable and I hated every minute of it. Luck was on my side though after 5 weeks or so my last period was P.E. and I was the first in line for the number line and saw I had an a TA. Little did I know the man standing in front of me looking down at me was going to be my best friend, my brother. So after that day I would see this guy walk through the desert just like me and of course he ignore me he had always seem he was in a hurry and walked funny he would walk so fast his bag pack would swing back and forth it was funny to see and I would laugh seeing it.

More weeks past and I got the courage to start talking to him of course I was scared of him he was big and tall and had this mean guy look I was scared of him but at the same time I didn’t I’d found out his name was Zack, and then after that I was completely comfortable with him I can imagine why would I be comfortable knowing his name well it just felt good knowing someone name it felt good knowing someone and talking to someone soon after that I made friends in my P.E. period, then I got the courage and of course asked shyly to him if it was okay if I walked with through the desert I was scared he’ll say no but I was wrong he smiled and agreed, at first I didn’t talk Zack was either talking to his friends Ralf or Eric or Marylyn I didn’t talk I was just happy walking with someone. Soon enough Zack cracked me and I started to talk and talk and talk and talk once he got me started I found my voice and never shut up. Then came the first moment I could trust Zack and knew he would protect me, I was getting harass by a boy who I found uncomfortable I didn’t like him but he always but his arm around me just plainly made me uncomfortable. It would happen right after sixth period then I would meet Zack at the beginning of the desert walk together until I reach the stop sign and wait for my mom, my mom knew about how the guy harassing me. So one day Zack walked me to stop sign and walk away I saw my mom’s car pull up and roll the window down talking to Zack so I started to walk towards them. By the time I got there I asked what’s up Zack patted my head and said he’ll tell me tomorrow.

The following day I’d asked Zack what my mom said to him, it would seem my mom asked Zack to watch over me to walk me with until she came so mainly to stay with me until my mom came and he agreed I was touched honestly here this boy who barely knew me promised to watch over me, that day I knew Zack was a friend worth having. Fast forward a little bit I was corner by the guy I’d saw Zack and Ralf coming but Ralf got to me first and ripped me from the boy’s grasp saving me from more harassment the second time it was Zack he grab my wrist and pulled me to his side and kept walking even though the boy was yelling my name, I never seen that boy again ever since I started to walk with Zack I was left alone for which I am grateful for. After that Zack became my best friend in my eye and we started to talk more learning about each other arguing with each other playing around walking home together until my mom came and gave him rides home keeping me company through the long walk home always making sure I wasn’t on the edge of the sidewalk making sure I talk my feeling out just making sure I stay a sane person. My freshmen year wasn’t too bad although I went through the heart ache of being in love with this guy Kevin, Zack was there to make me feel better and in a way made me come out my shell to make new friends which I did and always introduce them to Zack where they too started to adore his company.

Sophomore year I came back to the school more comfortable then last time and was super excited to see my friend Zack since I only saw him once over the summer and just like last year we fell into our normal after school routine it was perfect I made new friends new classes a new me. The time I knew Zack was my brother was when I went through I guess a hard time I found out I failed the CAHSEE math part and it crushed me it was “A” snack and I was in the library trying so hard to hold the tears back Zack found me and one glance and he knew something was wrong he’s open his arms for me and without hesitation I ran into his arms and cry and cry and cry and cry, I never cried so hard but Zack sat there patiently with me until I stop of course I said sorry I just soaked his once gray shirt into dark gray shirt but like always he smiled and patted my head not to worry and gave me words of encouragement that I can pass it the next time, at that moment I cry again not because of the CAHSEE but because Zack had become the brother I wanted so badly he’d became the brother my own brother couldn’t be he was there for his little sister and that’s when I knew Zack wasn’t just my best friend now he was now my big brother. Because up until then Freddy never acknowledge at school never said hi just always ignore me it crushed me and then one time I took matters into my own hands, I saw Freddy at lunch and got so excited I ran to him and hugged him, I knew something was wrong when he stiffen and pull away and not even looking at me told me to go away and never do that again. So if you can imagine I lost a brother but gain a much better brother but I will always love my older brother Freddy, Zack will just be the better brother to me. As I was saying sophomore year was good to me I got my first kiss and telling Zack everything and him always being so supporting to me I adore him as my brother, always going to the library with me always waiting patient for me or tolerating my bipolar self, the end of the year was coming Zack was a senior it was his last year and I knew next year when I was a junior he wasn’t going to be there. Zack wasn’t going to be there when I need him no more walking home together no more goofing around and acting like completely morons mostly me, I just couldn’t imagine high school without his help without his advice his guidance but as always Zack patted my head smile and told me I can do it and if I needed anything I could always text him, and I thought maybe I can do this.

Of course high school wasn’t the same without him but with Zack believing in me I knew I can do my best in high school junior year came by Zack join the army and even though I was sad about it I had to support him like he supported me. I told him how everything was going how everything was bad happen like how my mom would discourage me and Zack siding with her with a good point scowling at me like a brother would do with a little sister, senior year came Zack visited when he could we always kept in touch no matter what and my goal that year was to have Zack be there for my graduation but I was scared too because I still haven’t pass my stupid math CAHSEE and I was worry to disappoint him. Christmas break Zack coming home and had some exciting news he was going to proposal to the love of his life Liz I was beyond happy for him and couldn’t wait to go the wedding and just be happy for him he deserve it. But sometimes fate has other plans, god had decided to take a life which left Zack heartbroken I won’t go into details it isn’t my place to tell the tale what happen just say Zack lost something precious to him, I was mad, I was md at the driver who hit them, I was mad at god or whatever higher power that is up there I was mad my brother’s happiness was taken from him and he was suffering I was just mad how cruel the world is. But Zack being how Zack was different he accepted fate and knew she was in a better place looking down on him, and with that Zack was a different man still the same but off key. May came fast and next thing I knew I was graduating from high school and found out I had pass the CAHSEE telling Zack before my own mom and was so excited for him to know I did it, I pass it. With the news I was able to walk I got more great news Zack was going to be at my graduation.

I was beyond happy I was walking; I was going to grad nite and have my best friend see me walk in graduation I couldn’t ask for more.  It’s because one person, one man who change the difference in me one man who had fate in me when I felt one no one did. When I felt hopelessly sad and discourage from everyone else he was there to give me a hug and tell me I can do this, he was my big brother when my own brother wasn’t there for me when I needed him the most, he took the role and has been the best job possible, aha there are moments when he would scowl me but only because he need what was best for me when I acted pig headed brat he did it because I’m his little sister. And finally I had a role model brother to look up sure he isn’t the best one but he is in my eyes. I’m glad this guy who was a total stranger to me in the beginning and I would never thought he would be someone so important me aha he became my savior, I honestly don’t what I have done if Zack Carvajal wasn’t in my life. Zack you’re my brother, you know I am always here for you just how you were there for me! I love you big brother and I am so proud to say we’re friends, I sometimes randomly cry because I do miss you and worry about you a lot and I think about messaging you see how you’re doing but I think maybe he’s busy aha I’m sorry for that, everything I most do I think what would Zack think? I’ll love you forever and I’m sorry to say you’re stuck with me forever bud.

So this is for you Zack, my best friend, my big brother, my family. I took long saying this but Thank You, thank you Zack thank you so much for being there for me thank you for everything you done for me. I’m lucky to have you in my life, I treasure that fact in my life :)

Sorry its a bit long huh but hey its a reminder for him.

 

Spoil Sport

SO friend's birthday and shit are my ears red ahaha see I post a cute pic of my friend sleeping and blah blah and he got all mad and pissed off but like no need to get mad it was a harmless joke like I post this picture on my instagram before I have no idea why now he's making a huge deal of it but whatever he'll forget it by the end of the day he just need to calm his marbles and a deep breathe but I do feel slightly bad but I couldn't help myself ahaha but I erase the picture he just needs to calm himself I did was he said, at least me and the girl Sara thought the picture was cute

Just so damn tired now

There are things in my life that make me so mad like my family are seriously the most evil annoying assholes who get pleasure in making my life miserable like right now I try telling my mom what happen last night on twitter where some asshole was making fun on my friend so I defend him and it was great but I try to tell my mom but my little sister kept talking over me and soon I just didn't want to say because I was already mad about something else which I'll tell you after this, so my mom is like whatever I don't care then she mocked me saying "Watch now she's going to type about how much a bitch I am" which yes I am doing now so yeah you are a fucking bitch you only care what your son or other daughter is fucking doing!

So I was mad in the beginning because my dad is a fucking dickhead I let my dog out to use the bathroom I told him and he's like all pissed off I seriously don't understand what the difference between the backyard and the across the street so apparently my fucking father is a fucking a dog whisper so he just pissed me off and doesn't help that my little sister is a fucking little spoil shit face smartass dipshit girl. Honestly I hate my family I hate how they act I hate how they judge me so quickly I hate them in general.

I hate how they make me cry all the times from their means word and judging me acting if they are god to judge me so yeah I have a lot of angry towards them I hate they don't include me and not even trying to involve me which is fine don't talk to me I am fine by myself without any of them I don't want their fucking love and support I don't need them I only have myself to trust.

Viewers

Hello my awesome viewers you guys know I love you!!! anyway I want to say I am so sorry if my blogs been a bit depressing I promise to more funny and entertaining get me any topic and I'll talk about it

Insulted

I wonder why my dad feels the need to insult me every minute of the day why does he always have to call me stupid or lazy or fat ass why does he feel the need to insult me all the time? I will tell you why because my dad is an asshole a selfish mean son of a bitch words can not describe how much I hate him so much how much he makes me cry and feel like shit.

I don't understand fathers are suppose to loving to their daughter always trying to make them smile when my father rather throw insults at me it does make me cry because my dad and I use to be so close when I was little I used to be daddy's girl I loved my dad more than anyone but as soon as I got other he became so mean and heartless always insulting me now...I can hear him in the room complaining how I'm a big fat liar and of course my mom agrees with him.

Why shouldn't I be surprise both of them talking shit about me I should be used of them talking shit about me but the truth is I may look like I don't care but deep down I do very much every insult I get is a cut in my heart and let me tell you right now my heart is already broken and barely recovering but then I get an insult from my lovely mother and father and the wounds are back.

I fall into depression because I feel so alone with both parents hating my guts both of them looking at me in disgust and looking down on me like I will never be anything in life, want to know something so funny my own parents think I'm a slut funny right? I'm still a virgin here and only kissed two guys and that makes me a slut a girl who never gets to leave the house is a slut yes that makes a lot of sense.

I just hate my life :(

Feeling of Meaning

            I can’t help but feel remorse towards the one I used to call “my love” yet I was plague but this disease of love and wanted nothing to more to take my share of love, yet I was wrong by taking my fair share of love because it was not mine to take.  It was suppose to be a token of the one who loves you for you but not to steal it away from someone else, it may be consider as a sin for stealing something so precise and beautiful but yet something that can kill you in the end if you do not treat it right or respect it.Nonetheless the words “Love is a blessing to some but yet can be a curse at the same time” thus people ignore the clear warning given out a silent message yet no one ever hears this warning, a warning everyone should take serious yet always forget, in the end they always regret never listening to the warning and thought to themselves if they did, would the outcome be different?  The outcome could be different all depending in what I would do different but then people might not change their past mistakes.Some people think its okay to make mistakes to learn from their mistakes, but do people really do that? Do they really learn from their mistakes and not go back to the people they once love? No it can’t be, people make mistakes all the time including going back to the people that make them happy. Would someone consider this a sin? Is it a sin to be happy to go to back to the people who put a smile on your face and broke your heart, is it sin to try to love that person? How can it be?Obviously that person made you happy right? It’s only natural to still feel love for them, to hate them but at the same time still love those in the back of your heart never forget. But you will forget but the thought will always be in your heart reminding you of your past but what can you do about it? Not much, honestly not much…Love is a beautiful blessing that can rock your world and send you into a land where there are no worries but it can be a curse bring so much pain and misery, but in the end it’s up to you to make it a blessing or a curse. 

Last Night

Ah last night what a night I must say I know that the cousins are fighting among there self and they're separate groups so I also known from last party everyone wasn't talking to Payal and blah blah so I didn't talk to her for my own personal reasons like I like my cousins but she gets under my skin sometimes like how she acts I'm some kid it pisses me off so it wasn't a big deal not saying hi to her anyway Nene and her starred to talk and she explaining herself and then turns to me and says "I don't even know why you were mad at me since you had nothing against me" and I'm like oh hell no don't turn this on me and honestly I don't care if Payal likes me or not its not like I live with her or see her everyday so fuck it she can be mad all she wants at me :)

So to get back on a positive note I text Jason last night cause I was bored at the party so it started out normal and everything just some light teasing but towards the end I don't know how it started but I said guys don't like big chest girls like me and he reply he does but I was like you don't like me that way and I want someone who likes me then he's like I've been always attracted to you blah blah I refuse to let my heart melt at that anyway the conversation came to a weird Holt because Jason then ask if I wanted to no string attached relationship cause now he's single I didn't give him an answer because I don't know the answer for myself.

I'm just so god damn irritated with family and Jason like fuck can anything be drama free but fuck me side that doesn't really work out.

The past should stay the past

Okay obviously something is wrong with me I just know it I'm having the same thoughts over and over again I am plague by these thoughts and damn it I don't want it anymore I know denying it only makes it worse but what other way is there? For those who are confuse I'm talking about my past sweetheart Jason and how I can't seem to get the man out of my mind clearly there is something mentally wrong with me I just know it.

Yesterday I was getting pissed of because people kept asking questions on my http://ask.fm/LeapingTreeFrog (which you guys can see it and ask me anything you want) saying I have nice lips can I have a kiss blah blah blah and I tweet about it on my twitter and Jason texts me saying I have a new boyfriend teasing and such but then he like and I quote "Calm down sweetheart and let me kiss them sweet lips of your ;) aha" HOW THE FUCK DO I NOT MELT AT THAT!!!!!!! 

I know I should fall for some crap like that for a guy but me and this guy have a long history together its not something easy to forget and I know my friends are feed up listening to me bitch about the same situation but I can't fucking help its the way I feel and only because he was my first kiss I have a connection with him -__- fuck me right.

I don't know what to do anymore he has a girlfriend yet he flirts with me and tells me he wants me I just think Jason doesn't know how to be with me cause deep down I feel like he truely does like me or in love with me? no but at least likes me he just doesn't know how to show it to me or he doesn't want to show me.

Either way it would seem I am fucked.

Lonely

I guess it happen to everyone once in awhile the fact of being alone it hurts I guess what I feel is longing to feel affection from the one I desire the most from I can't help but feel lonely without him even thought I know very well he is with someone else, I know he is living his life and I live mine but I still members of us together are scar in my mind maybe I am craving his attention maybe I'm craving someone affection.

To feel loved to know that person is thinking of you all the time wanting to feel his arms wrapped around you how I desired to be loved for once in my life to feel the true meaning of love but how can I feel love if I am always trapped in a house and never to see the world and find true love.

Envy

So I was talking to Jason yesterday and the day before that but the thing is the conservation started at 1 in the morning and the conversation was quite irritating me because Jason was taunting me for being pure and telling me how he knows it all I don't know why but I got mad and kind of envy of him? 

CRAZY right! Why would I Elizabeth Rajni Gaur would be envy of some boy whose been fucking the entire school but I wasn't envy of that I was envy of him because he was not a virgin again I know I should be proud of myself I am not a slut who sleeps around but I can't help but feel weird of me being pure still I'm 18 year old.

Hell people my age have been fucking since they were 14 probably anyway I can't help but feel envy towards Jason for this and the other people but I can't just go out and lose it its a fucking painful thing the first time!!! its not something I am up for on the moment but there are time where I thought I should just lose it.

But then I remember they aren't many girls like me my favorite "You a virgin? they still make those"  I can wait for the right time I can't go looking for it when the time comes it comes until then I will chill and ignore the boy I love all so much. Ah Jason I would give him for you but deep in my gut I just know I can't...at least not yet anyway ;p

Same shit everyday

So my life is getting boring and boring and boring everyday is like every other day the days are the same as I bore myself nothing for me to do but clean but you know what I am not my parents fucking maid okay I am not here to clean your fucking house god I hate this I get it I'm suppose to clean but not every fucking thing in the house god then my dad comes home and yells at me on why didn't I clean the house since I'm home all the time this is why I don't want to high school to end because of this every thing in the famous words of me "Fuck me" 

Now I am bored I have no one to talk to I can't go over anyone house or leave during the day oh my god the days!!! its like everyday my mom comes home at 330 then falls asleep then my day comes home falls asleep its like this every fucking day...do you have any idea how it feels to be trap in a house all day everyday? to have no one to talk too to have nothing to do but clean and read and watch TV, does anyone know how it feels to not be able to to see people my age to go and have fun to make mistakes?

To my parents they are protecting me yeah or making me in a psycho bitch I can't do anything with anyone they always think I'm going to go and party and go fuck someone when really I don't have any desire to do that like really who wants to drink that crap that only makes you feel weird and makes you puke oh yes so much fun and no I don't want to go around and fuck every living boy I see when I have desire for that until marriage but do they understand that? NO!!!  I hate it I hate my life.

I'm just so tired not doing anything but the same shit everyday my mom finds it funny as always she always does this to me she never gives me freedom I never had the taste of freedom and honestly my parents are making me sneaky because if their not giving me freedom I'll find a way to have freedom but I haven't done anything bad but go over some friends house when I go off school I could leave early because I only had 4 class.

What I'm trying to say is I am bored with my life I am tired of doing nothing anything everyday I hate my life so much every minute of it is just boring and boring everyday its making me depress and sad knowing I can't do anything but sit in a house everyday looking out the window wishing longing to be outside with my friends to feel the winds through my hair the sun kissing my cheeks the warmth of being outside the freedom of knowing you can be outside.

That is what I desire and my parents is harming me never allowing me to experience life. 

Jason will always be in my heart

I know I blogged before about moving on and all that crap but I wasn't being honest with myself or other people I was trying so hard to denied my feeling towards Jason I try to hide but in reality Jason is always going to have a special place in my heart he was after all my  first love of course I can't just hate him and move on. I use to feel depress knowing Jason would never be mine never look at me with affection I knew I would never be the girl he would call his girlfriend.

And you know what I am totally okay with that :) okay see the thing is before my senior year when I was being a junior Jason was dating his girlfriend Maria and he made sure he rubbed it in he had a girlfriend wherever I was he was too and his girlfriend so I was depress and longed to be Maria because he was with Maria but then senior year came and everything changed.

See I had to take summer school two reason One because I didn't want to be home Second I wanted to make my geometry grade go up so I went and during the summer I told I liked him no matter what he said he knew then at summer school we hanged out and our summer school romances began and I love every minute of it.

But then school began and I was happy to know Jason wasn't dating anyone so we continuing our little flirt but then he did get a girlfriend and I was sad but I was too busy to notice the pain but then I remember the pain wasn't that bad anymore but tolerable then he broke up with her but then I was still very busy with my school work and internship I didn't have time to notice again but when I did have time I would try to get his attention but not making it to obvious.

So then my internship ended and I had all my school on top so I had time to notice Jason more but the thing was I wasn't bitter with Jason I wasn't mad or sad I was shockingly happy for Jason? Yeah I know why?! well because I was happy for Jason and I wasn't bitter girl I am happy for Jason no matter what.

May 27, 2013 my birthday and there was one person I wanted to say happy birthday and it was Jason duh and I was happy he did say happy birthday to me it made my day and I felt different or so I say I felt something else then grad nite May 28, 2013 that feeling of different and then I realize something why I felt different towards Jason and everything.

Its because I came with conclusion that I love Jason aha I know crazy right? but its true I will always love Jason no matter what and will never be mad at him or stay mad at him and that no matter what I can't cut him out my life and he will always have a special place in my heart.

So yes people I am crazy..crazy in love with Jason and will always :) I know we can't be together but doesn't mean I can't love him.

and I know he won't see this but "I love you Jason" <3

Special is not going well

So tomorrow May 27th is my birthday I will be turning 18 and I was excited because well Monday my birthday Tuesday I go to grad nite to six flags Thursday I graduate you would think I would be the most happiest person in the world because this week will be about me, but is it?

Already my dad is making plans for my birthday yeah that's cool and all but he's wants to do whatever he wants to do not I and of course my dad is gonna make it about him instead of my day and then we have my mom who is being excuse my language a bitch.

See the thing is that my parents want to go over these people house for memorial day which is my birthday instead of caring its my birthday tomorrow all they can think about is that its memorial day and want to spend the day at these people house

I get it they're fun and all but its my birthday I want to do what I want to do hell I don't think they're even getting me anything for my birthday cause I wanted a new outfit for six flags but I don't think that's gonna happen.

And already they're pissing me off always being rude and making fun of me today really irritates me and makes me not even celebrate my birthday of graduation its like I just want to be alone that day now all because of my mom and dad who can't think for anyone else but themselves and Freddy and Sabrina my sibling.

Ah for a early update I ask for a ipod for my birthday because then I don't need a new phone and they won't be charge for texting me or calling so that was the best thing right? nope not to my parents they think its a waste of money so to get them off my ass I said no I don't want it.

Now a surge of guilt goes through my veins as my mother keeps reminding my dad all the reason why I shouldn't get this they already spend money on for going to six flags so now I don't anything for my birthday/graduation I just want to go to grad nite and graduate nothing else anymore.  

Super Irritated With My Mom

One thing I hate more than strawberries is how my mom acts with other people or do for other people today I found out I am on the right track of graduating so I wanted McDonald's don't ask me why I juts really wanted some so I ask my mom and she's like no....okay I accepted that maybe we can get something else and we did.

See when I ask what I want to eat my mo will say no to me no matter what she will always say no to me instead she will get whatever my older brother wants which was In-N-Out I fucking hate that place I don't like hamburgers there gross to me and my om knows that but did that stop her from buying the crap Nope!

Now I have to wait for my dad to come home and eat whatever he's having which is probably Taco Bell JUST GREAT CAUSE EATING ISN'T IMPORTANT!!!!!!

My mom hates me and I know she has never liked me cause I am nothing like my older brother Freddy or like my little sister Sabrina.

CAHSEE still kills dreams

For those who don't know what "CAHSEE" is its California High School Exit Exame and is what all High school student must take to pass and able to walk during graducation to some its important to others they don't care if they walk or not but too me it means the world to me. I have taken the CAHSEE when I was in 10th grade everyone in 10th grade takes the test I didn't pass the first time nor the second or the thrid or fourth, fifth but on the last one I passed with a 353 finally I have pass the test that had me crying for years.

See the thing is I thought I was going to pass but I would still walk because I have "SLD" which is a learning disability and I have a IEP which are meeting I have with people and them seeing if I',imapproving or not I have very much so even if I didn't pass my CAHSEE I would still walk but that doesn't apply to evryone unfortunately...

My new best friend Daniel is probably the funniest most caring amazing friend in the world he's gay and the best guy friend I could have ask for you get the best of both worlds so he hasn't passs his CAHSEE like me at the time and I felt like I knew he was going to pass he study he has the class he was improving so I felt he was going to passs while I didn't then today happen.

May 10, 2013 Its Daniel's birthday he turn 18 and I was so happy for him I had order his gift so it wasn't going to come in until Monday so I waited for him to come and he did but was sad I scream "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!" and he just noddded and I was puzzle so I pulled him away and we talk in the library where he told me his news, I was waiting about his mom talking shit about him again but he didn't say that he say something else.....

He told me he didn't pass his CAHSEE that he got a 349 one point away from passing.....his tears came out and I stood shocked that I didn't even know what to say I felt so horrible and wish he had gotten the better grade it was his birthday and yet this happen to him when he doesn't deserve this when he worked so hard!

CAHSEE is a waste of time and dream killers how could the school kill someone dreams like that! How could they say no to someone who has been working there ass off to get somewhere yet here where we are 2013 schools are still killing students dreams ripping away from their hope and yet they feel no emotions for these kids? do they not have a heart?

Damn them for killing my good friend dreams how dare them kill his hope....I feel remorse for him and sorrow and so helpless :(        

 

I wish I never knew my dad

As harsh as that sounds I really wish I didn't know my dad I'm mean who would want too? I'll tell you my reasons in why I don't like the man and why I wish my parents would get a divorce but nope my mom won't file for one when she doesn't like him much either, for one what kind of father calls his own daughter a b****? or yell at them claiming how stupid they are and worthless how would anyone feel to have a father bring them down all the time and makes you want to cry.

My dad is a heartless man he's cruel and rude and ass hole I hate him I hate seeing his face I hate looking at him or hearing him I hate bring near him I hate everything about him I hate everything about him yet I have some traits from him unfortunately and I hate  myself for it everyday to act like that selfish monster I hate him. He always so mean and the look he gives me when he's mad at me its like he was to kill me.

Like sometimes I want to go out I don't care if I have to go with my parents I just want out my house but every time I ask he says no and or gives me a look and if looks can kill I would be dead a long as time ago. like one time I was in my mom's room with her watching TV while I was on the laptop doing a power point and he comes in and gives me the most evilest look in the world and says "Get out my room I don't want to see your fucking face" usually I wouldn't care but having that man say that to me pissed me off.

I so badly wanted to say the feeling is mutual daddy but I keep my tongue in and just said wow and walked out and then today in the morning he yells me at me because the dog used her pad to pee on and he has a heart attack and screams at me that I'm a lazy no good worthless and stupid always those words stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID!!!!!!!!! that's all I heard from my dad how stupid I am.

And people wonder why I'm such a bitter girl oh he also said I'll get my punishment tonight lets see what he's gonna do to me.

Only sometimes tells you over and over and over again how stupid you are....you start thinking maybe you are stupid after all. I wish that man would disappear already so I never see his face again.

Just Looking At You Irritates Me

Usual I'm fine without looking at Jason but I don't know why but looking at him makes me so damn mad and annoyed like oh I want to do is sock him in the face so maybe one day I will sock you in the face because looking at you is really pissing me off aha I know I sound crazy and weird but come on this is the guy that broke my heart more than one time so I think I have the right to want to sock him in the face.

On a another note I'm about to blow up on this guy name James who is friends with Jason weird huh how every guy I meet his name starts with a "J" so f***ing weird anyway I use to like James but then a rumor came saying he has herpes which scared the shit out of me when I talk to him about he's like there is something in my mouth but his mom doesn't want to take him in to see what wrong with him.

Making me not like him anymore and not talk to him anymore I encourage him to date this one girl and it work so times moves on and he breaks up with her and from time to time he'll say hi but that's it I prefer it like that but lately shit has changed -_- so he texts me and says he want to end his life he has no friends blah blah blah blah so of course being a good person that I am I talk him out of it and said you can to me anytime you need....BIGGEST MISTAKE!! so now he blows up my phone with annoying texts like "Text me" "Hey text me back when you get this" "Text me" "Hi" "Hello" "Hi" "Hi" its so f***ing annoying!! like damn I am not your personal therapist.

Like when I'm on Facebook he will message me text me text me text me and I ignore and get off Facebook I am so thinking about blocking him because now he making VERY uncomfortable, for explain he will pop out of nowhere and say hi he will come up to me and say "Hi Gorgeous" and I make a face that's telling him DO NOT CALL ME GORGEOUS YOU RAPIST!!! but obviously he doesn't get the message because he still does it and yesterday really pissed me off and made me want to hit until he couldn't walk anymore.

So yesterday I was not feeling it I was pissed off tired and having a huge head ache and I was not getting any sleep in my classes and my friends were pissing me off just listening them talk was pissing me off usually that's not me but it was Monday and I was tired and mad I didn't get any sleep so I stood quiet I don't want to hurt their feeling so by the time I get to 4th period and the lunch bell rang I even MORE tired and pissed off so I'm wanting their for my friend Daniel to come waiting with his cousin Crystal and the unthinkable happens.

James come from behind me and hugs me I stiffen up and didn't try to hug back then he move his arms to rest on my breasts which only pissed me off more I told him his arms are resting on my chest and needs to get them off now! but he laughs and and moves them but his hands were moving to touch them my breasts! so I turn quickly and pushed him away and if looks could kill James would be very dead. He walk away laughing which was fuel to my fire and  then he insults the sexy security guard at Target and I told he's ugly.

The meaning of this blog James is pissing me off if he does anything to me today I will f***ing kick his ass and won't stop until he say he'll stop I will not tolerate his dumb ass while he's making me uncomfortable at least my good friend Adrian offer to help I might take me up on his offer.

Good bye Jason

You know that awesome moment when your talking to the guy your totally in love with and thought wow I can see myself with this guy? Nope not me see I thought Jason was the guy for me but NO HE WAS NOT I made myself believe he was the one for me boy was I stupid! because honestly he's a prick a pervert prick and I hate him now :)

Hahaha okay okay I don't hate him I just stop talking to the prick so that has made me in a good mood too yeah I am a little sad about not talking to this guy because we use to close then we started to hate each other but always had a soft part for each other still do well I still do I don't know about him he's a weird guy to know so don't ask me.

So two weeks ago I text him if he had my friend Edgar number because he plays soccer with him so I ask and he's like "sadly yes" like I don't care if your sad about it give me the dam number! so I ask for it and said your my life saver then he ask why at first I didn't know if he was asking "Why I want the number? or Why he is the life saver?" so I thought he was asking why I want the number so I went off him and said "Why does it matter if I want the number just give me the number!" and that set him off and him making fun of me and its safe to say I am never talking to the boy ever again!!!

So I know this is like the thousand times I said I will never talk to him but seriously he cross the line and I am pissed off yes I am a little depress never talking to Jason again but its for the best because I can't be friends with someone who is a total dick head and I want to make this friendship but it can't when we have history with each other and shared a kiss you can't be friends with someone you kissed and like it just not possible but hey if you can more power to you.

I would nothing more than say it to Jason Lopez face I would love to scream all this in his face but I don't think I should yell it aha I just want to get it off my chest and just say it instead text message him what I feel but I can't do that either since I erase his number and I will not go on Facebook to look it up I refuse to talk to him and acknowledge him now what done is done and now...

I Am Moving On From My High School Crush Jason Lopez, thanks for sealing my first kiss thanks for giving me attention I never got before and thank you for being a friend when I needed you and I am so sorry we lost our friendship and fade away I just hope the very best for you. But thanks asshole for ruining my first chances of love now I feel like love is a myth made by crazy chicks. 

Am I actually the mean girl?

One thing that is bugging is the things I have done lately I don't think but I feel guilt and its weird super weird considering I am a person without caring about much but since I am no longer friends with Adrianna it had me thinking was I the wrong one? I did talk shit about my best friend behind her back I was the one who open my mouth yet I don't care but in the back of my mind I am still caring...I mean when I look back I have lost a lot of girl friends over stupid stuff like my first best friend Nuviaa I stop being her friend because I was sick of tired of every guy looking at her and not me and I push her away now with Jamie I was mad she went after Alan when she dated his friend then talk shit about her.

Then I talk crap about Adrianna, does that make me a monster? a monster who cannot have friends because of her own selfish needs? am I actually jealous of Adrianna? in the end only I know the answer is and the answer is...I Am A Monster. Now I think about it I was being selfish and cruel because I envy another and not try to make friendship work in the end I can't fix my friendship with Adrianna what's done is done.

But still in the back of my mind I feel this guilt this big ass guilt for pushing away my friends and not caring about them in the end but I have think they weren't the best either they didn't even try to talk to me but ignore me so I ignore them and refuse to make it work Yes my pride has yet again made me lose another friend yet I still think this one little sentence.

I am a monster.

Fake Ass Motherf***ering Friends :)

As right now I am no longer friends with my so called best friend hell I don't even consider her a best friend she really shouldn't have any friends with her nasty ass attitude which make me so tired of her but things end for a reason and the reason is yes I did talk about her but in joking matter but to her it wasn't a joking matter if was a insult and instead coming to me and trying to work out the problem she completely ignores unfriend me on facebook really your going to unfriend me on facebook WOW I hope you feel better about yourself!

Anyway the point of this situation is that instead being a cool awesome trust worthy best friend Adrianna suppose to be she wasn't she didn't try to talk to me but ignore and refuse to pull the stick out her butt because of her stubbornness and then she has her little sister unfriend on facebook too? wow you are awesome and so mature like really your going to act so immature and childish over that then go for it!

I don't care anymore I stop caring to be honest I stop caring about her and her problem I stop caring if were friends or not I am not crawling back to her and try to work everything out when I don't want to work things I want her to leave me alone now because she is no longer a friend so why should I care about her? why should I care about ungrateful shitty friend when I have other friends who are more nicer than her?! I am just saying my world does not revolves around her.

On a happy note since we are not friends no more drama with her no more seeing her sucking faces with her cheating boyfriend who will probably cheat on her again and get her pregnant and have ten thousands children then he'll leave her and find his next victim YET she claims he is a change man aahahahahahaha okay and I'm a unicorn!!!!

So I am happy as right now cause I am a drama free girl here :D     

Friends bugging

Note I change my typo xD

Anyway so lately I've been very bored with my friends like honestly I am really bored and it sucks because I'm a Gemini and us Geminis need to be entertain all the time or we lost focus and interest in the people we talk too. My friends are boring the hell out of me!!! like really one is sucking faces with her boyfriend like no tomorrow like come on its not the end of the world give her room to breathe for crap's sake!

My second friend..well she just annoying to be truthful I didn't really didn't see this first but now I see how annoying she is and dam do I want just to slap her and tell her to shut the hell up I really think she likes the sound of her voice because all she does is talk and talk and talk like god damn it shut up! but no the prick still keeps talking. I glad to hear she has to go in independent study that also shows she's a dumb ass I'm glad I won't see her in my third period anymore THANK YOU JESUS!!! 

And the other friends who don't have personalities and that bored me are boring to be honest and yes they are boring they don't talk just follow around like a lost puppy like come on be your own person right now! have a life stop being a robot and following me around and not talking your pissing me off with you not talking! then when got another friend who will only talk about herself and her problems like I get it I'll listen but if you keep going I'm going to ignore your annoying ass!

Yes it may seem I'm the bad friend and I don't deserve my friends BUT just think for a second if you were in my shoes what would do and don't tell me you will do something different because after a certain amount of time you will crack and be like me annoyed as hell with your friends just keep an open mind when it comes down to this, I'm a good friend I'll be there for you support you but push my buttons too much and I will be the worse freaking friend possible.

 That saying Hunger Games is on Netflix you know what I'm watching when I get home and get pizza and cookies and chill because its Friday THANKS JESUS!!!

Note: I'm really religious and sorry if I use Jesus name in vain or something so no one better be butt hurt about using the lord in vain ahaha that sounds funny.

Some Friends

You know what's the the most annoying part of high school? having sucky friends, like honestly I probably have the most suckiest friends in the world like really, so for an example how much my friends suck I will tell you even though its embarrassing that's okay its not like I know any you guys who read my blog so that's okay. So like I was saying my Vivi is not the bestest friend she's actually the worse best friend ever!! well I don't even consider her my best friend anymore, so like I was saying Monday was a bad day I got sick and it was making me tired and yucky so in my 3rd period I went to sleep and I heard people laughing in the background so I woke and the TA in the class said aloud to Vivi "Why did you tweet Liz smells?" he got up and sat next to me and came in my personal space and took a big sniff of me and said I don't smell but smell like clean clothing then I tweeted "do I really smell" then Vivi replies yes I smell like armpit and I need body spray -__-

Really?! because I asked a group juniors in my TA to smell me and they all said the same thing I smell like clean clothes so its really pissed me off Vivi was being a prick and putting me on twitter where everyone can see it I felt embarrass and stupid I mean she wouldn't like it if I tweet about her she would get all butt hurt so that's why I'm ignoring her until she says sorry but that did bother me and hurt my feeling so of course I'm going to ignore her ass. 

Feeling...

I suppose I'm being a cry baby right now and maybe I am a cry baby always complaining, I don't know where my head is sometimes and confuse half the time well that just I'm confuse half the time yet I still get stuff done. Not only am I feeling confused but very pissed off I don't know I just fine myself getting mad at everything and everyone, like everyone is pissing me off for no reason ugh sometimes I think I'm bipolar I'm probably with my mood swings.

I just heard today one of the kids is doing an article on the Michael the guy who was killed from a school bus the same guy who was my friend...I don't know why but I felt so mad when they said they wanted to do an article of his death it made me so mad and sad hell I think I'll talk to Mr. Grace about maybe I can do since I knew the guy yet I don't want to because that would meant I had to talk to his teammates again and seeing them yesterday at the candle lighting made me see how his death has effected him so much.

I don't want to do this article of Michael but in a way I feel like if someone was going to do this it should be me but its a heart breaking thing for me because the thought of Michael still haunts me still makes me so depress that I don't even want to talk about it but I know you have to talk about in order to get over it but still it makes me nervous because I really don't know how to deal with death...I don't think anyone knows how to deal with death but everyone deals with death in a different way.

Why take your ex back?

I understand you love your ex and still have feeling for him. Oh so why did you guys break up? the answer oh he cheated on me....Really!?!?! come on are you serious? ahaha I'm sorry but yes your stupid thinking to go back to the guy who broke your heart, if he did it once what makes you think he won't do it again? once a cheated always a cheater.

I know this because my first love was a douche bag and a womanizer I feel in love he fell in love with someone else and kept me thinking he liked me. I was so stupid I would go see him even though he had a girlfriend I kissed him even though he was dating some other girl. Yes that makes me a harlot I admit I was stupid and in love with the dude I wanted to just to be with him.

Anyway the point is I got tired of him kissing me even though he had a girlfriend I was tired of being used by this guy and I moved on I don't let his words control me anymore because his words uses me melt and fall more in love with him not it just pisses me off.

So to my good friend Adriana who has taken her boyfriend back after he cheated on her 3 times now once not twice but three times and who knows he if didn't cheat more than that! but no she wants to be with him and I don't care I warn her he was going to break her heart once more but I can't do anything anymore but sit and watch.

Its sad but its gonna happen whether she likes it or not just don't expect me to comfort you when the time comes because I told you this was going to happen he's a pig DUH!! 

Comment and tell me what you would do in my shoes 

True Love Actually Real?

I know a lot of people say they know what is love blah blah honestly I don't think anyone knows what love is -_- they say they do but they don't aha well maybe some people do?
Monique Ferrel I think I know this girl since grade school and everything I know she's a great friend weird odd and sweet in her own way but in all in all I think Monique does know what love is.

Monique has told me she's been seeing her current boyfriend Austin and how she talks about him you can honestly see how much she adores him and the love in her eyes that she really loves him and its so sweet like I'm happy for her.

So apparently their love was tested keep in mind they been dating since Monique was in 5th grade they had their ups and downs and always found a way to stay together and work things out, so like I was saying their love was tested on Tuesday she told me how they broke it off because Austin needs help and was going to his mom to seek her help.

Knowing he has to move they broke up I think but today Friday at snack Monique looked happy and she told me he had came to her house to seek her back wanting her she says she doesn't want to be with anyone else but him he feels the same and decided not to move but stay with her.

I don't know about you but I find that so so so awesome, it just shows their are people out there who actually has a heart and loves their own beloved yeah they get tested from daily life but those things only makes them stronger and for sure I think the bond between Monique and Austin is strong and I willing to bet I'll be going to their wedding :D

Mo mo deserve it :)

The end..

Hmm..I don't know what to say considering I feel like a empty shell and just want to break down and cry but I won't because ugly crying isn't cute unless guys like girls who ugly cry? then I guess that's cool aha anyway I just feel like a loser apparently if I don't pass my math CAHSEE by tomorrow I'm not going to walk.. and if you can imagine how painful this is to me how hard I work my ass off in high school all to know I can't pass 8th grade math?!?!?!?!?! you can see how pissed off I am because next year there going to stop making kids take the CAHSEE so in a way I'm getting screw over. ISN'T THAT FREAKING AWESOME!!!!!!! tomorrow I will do my best and take my time and do anything possible to pass but if I don't know I know for sure I will marked in my house a failure and that's even painfuller, I'm already rank low in my house and knowing I can't walk it'll just show I am a bigger loser. It sucks I'm over credits and have all my grades up and yet I won't be able to walk because of 8th grade math!!! it saddens me greatly and sends me into great depression I just want to be left alone and just try to get my crap together and hopefully just hopefully I pass....

A little problem on my hand

I understand my writing or typing isn't perfect I don't need to be told on that I also know I was once a underclassmen too but keep in mind I wasn't annoying little prick, and you know its true how some underclassmen were annoying pricks so PLEASE don't get butt hurt on my opinion and stop looking for negative things to say about my blog. Just because you were force to comment on my blog for a grade doesn't mean you have to be a prick about it :) So I would appreciate it if you would pull the stick from your butt and stop acting like cocky little pricks.

Another note since I'm here, I want you guys to know it is my opinion mine blog. You do you know that right? I can say whatever I want, and if I said something that bother well don't read my blog it is that simple, I know I thought it was difficult too but its not so save all smartass comment for yourself its easy too and I honestly don't care what you have to say unless its nice then you awesome :)  

Comment My Blog

One thing I like alot is when people comment on my blog instead of just reading it. Honestly people I want to know what your opinion is on one of my posts I mean I like knowing what other people think and right now all I think is everyone is too scared or to shy to comment my blog, I know people want their opinion come out and want to speak their mind so do that I know people are viewing my blog I CAN SEE IT!!!! I know you can see this and I want you to know I know you can see this :)

But yeah like I was saying I know there is someone out there who wants to speak their opinion and tell me what they think because for sure when I find my classmates's blog I will comment on them I'm a smartass its what I do.

Things That Are Annoying To Me

People complaining, I understand people complain most of the time and I should do complain but the thing is I complain online I write everything down rather than speaking my mind because I would get into a debate with someone and let passion get in the way so I usually try to stay quiet because I learn from experience whenever I spoke up people got all butt hurt and start something with me. That's why I blog because its easy and no one gets butt hurt because I really think I'm the Queen of Complaining, I always complain about something but that just me.

Anyway back to the point before I started to tell everyone what complaining is so today I hear people having a conservation complaining about stuff I'm not going to say because anyone can read this so I don't want to give myself away who I'm talking about >=] so they're talking about blah blah and I hear them clear as light and I'm thinking to myself "Shut Up!" aha I know that sounds mean but I honestly don't want to hear you god damn conservation I'm trying to blog and you guys keep talking! I mean do you have to yell across the room to talk to each other? and I'm pretty sure no one cares what your talking about in fact their probably talking so loud to get someone attention.

Another thing I hate is attention seekers -_- I can't find anything more annoying besides my family then attention seekers and maybe harlots too aha anyway attention seekers really piss me off I get very annoying when people try to hard to get people attention like really your gonna dumb yourself down to get someone attention? You know your only making yourself look stupid and retard right? Of course you don't because you keep doing it and apparently they are stupid and retard. (NOTE: Mr. Grace stupid and retard are not bad words) I also hate harlots attention seekers too.

A harlots attention seeker is a girl who is a harlot and if you don't know what a harlot is Google it I don't have time to explain what a harlot is so sorry anyway a girl who is a harlot and throwing themselves at boys to get attention. I don't know about you but they look cheap like a girl shouldn't have to throw herself at a boy in a sexual way to get their attention I mean you can ask them stuff they like which isn't anything sexual but girls don't think and just act which is pretty sad. I just hate attention seeker in general, acting stupid and flirty isn't cute and what the hell does the guy think that's cute and just thinking "its gonna be easy to tap that" maybe that's why boys like girls like that who knows but I don't care I just complain about it :)