The past should stay the past

Okay obviously something is wrong with me I just know it I'm having the same thoughts over and over again I am plague by these thoughts and damn it I don't want it anymore I know denying it only makes it worse but what other way is there? For those who are confuse I'm talking about my past sweetheart Jason and how I can't seem to get the man out of my mind clearly there is something mentally wrong with me I just know it.

Yesterday I was getting pissed of because people kept asking questions on my http://ask.fm/LeapingTreeFrog (which you guys can see it and ask me anything you want) saying I have nice lips can I have a kiss blah blah blah and I tweet about it on my twitter and Jason texts me saying I have a new boyfriend teasing and such but then he like and I quote "Calm down sweetheart and let me kiss them sweet lips of your ;) aha" HOW THE FUCK DO I NOT MELT AT THAT!!!!!!! 

I know I should fall for some crap like that for a guy but me and this guy have a long history together its not something easy to forget and I know my friends are feed up listening to me bitch about the same situation but I can't fucking help its the way I feel and only because he was my first kiss I have a connection with him -__- fuck me right.

I don't know what to do anymore he has a girlfriend yet he flirts with me and tells me he wants me I just think Jason doesn't know how to be with me cause deep down I feel like he truely does like me or in love with me? no but at least likes me he just doesn't know how to show it to me or he doesn't want to show me.

Either way it would seem I am fucked.

Lonely

I guess it happen to everyone once in awhile the fact of being alone it hurts I guess what I feel is longing to feel affection from the one I desire the most from I can't help but feel lonely without him even thought I know very well he is with someone else, I know he is living his life and I live mine but I still members of us together are scar in my mind maybe I am craving his attention maybe I'm craving someone affection.

To feel loved to know that person is thinking of you all the time wanting to feel his arms wrapped around you how I desired to be loved for once in my life to feel the true meaning of love but how can I feel love if I am always trapped in a house and never to see the world and find true love.

Envy

So I was talking to Jason yesterday and the day before that but the thing is the conservation started at 1 in the morning and the conversation was quite irritating me because Jason was taunting me for being pure and telling me how he knows it all I don't know why but I got mad and kind of envy of him? 

CRAZY right! Why would I Elizabeth Rajni Gaur would be envy of some boy whose been fucking the entire school but I wasn't envy of that I was envy of him because he was not a virgin again I know I should be proud of myself I am not a slut who sleeps around but I can't help but feel weird of me being pure still I'm 18 year old.

Hell people my age have been fucking since they were 14 probably anyway I can't help but feel envy towards Jason for this and the other people but I can't just go out and lose it its a fucking painful thing the first time!!! its not something I am up for on the moment but there are time where I thought I should just lose it.

But then I remember they aren't many girls like me my favorite "You a virgin? they still make those"  I can wait for the right time I can't go looking for it when the time comes it comes until then I will chill and ignore the boy I love all so much. Ah Jason I would give him for you but deep in my gut I just know I can't...at least not yet anyway ;p

Same shit everyday

So my life is getting boring and boring and boring everyday is like every other day the days are the same as I bore myself nothing for me to do but clean but you know what I am not my parents fucking maid okay I am not here to clean your fucking house god I hate this I get it I'm suppose to clean but not every fucking thing in the house god then my dad comes home and yells at me on why didn't I clean the house since I'm home all the time this is why I don't want to high school to end because of this every thing in the famous words of me "Fuck me" 

Now I am bored I have no one to talk to I can't go over anyone house or leave during the day oh my god the days!!! its like everyday my mom comes home at 330 then falls asleep then my day comes home falls asleep its like this every fucking day...do you have any idea how it feels to be trap in a house all day everyday? to have no one to talk too to have nothing to do but clean and read and watch TV, does anyone know how it feels to not be able to to see people my age to go and have fun to make mistakes?

To my parents they are protecting me yeah or making me in a psycho bitch I can't do anything with anyone they always think I'm going to go and party and go fuck someone when really I don't have any desire to do that like really who wants to drink that crap that only makes you feel weird and makes you puke oh yes so much fun and no I don't want to go around and fuck every living boy I see when I have desire for that until marriage but do they understand that? NO!!!  I hate it I hate my life.

I'm just so tired not doing anything but the same shit everyday my mom finds it funny as always she always does this to me she never gives me freedom I never had the taste of freedom and honestly my parents are making me sneaky because if their not giving me freedom I'll find a way to have freedom but I haven't done anything bad but go over some friends house when I go off school I could leave early because I only had 4 class.

What I'm trying to say is I am bored with my life I am tired of doing nothing anything everyday I hate my life so much every minute of it is just boring and boring everyday its making me depress and sad knowing I can't do anything but sit in a house everyday looking out the window wishing longing to be outside with my friends to feel the winds through my hair the sun kissing my cheeks the warmth of being outside the freedom of knowing you can be outside.

That is what I desire and my parents is harming me never allowing me to experience life. 

Jason will always be in my heart

I know I blogged before about moving on and all that crap but I wasn't being honest with myself or other people I was trying so hard to denied my feeling towards Jason I try to hide but in reality Jason is always going to have a special place in my heart he was after all my  first love of course I can't just hate him and move on. I use to feel depress knowing Jason would never be mine never look at me with affection I knew I would never be the girl he would call his girlfriend.

And you know what I am totally okay with that :) okay see the thing is before my senior year when I was being a junior Jason was dating his girlfriend Maria and he made sure he rubbed it in he had a girlfriend wherever I was he was too and his girlfriend so I was depress and longed to be Maria because he was with Maria but then senior year came and everything changed.

See I had to take summer school two reason One because I didn't want to be home Second I wanted to make my geometry grade go up so I went and during the summer I told I liked him no matter what he said he knew then at summer school we hanged out and our summer school romances began and I love every minute of it.

But then school began and I was happy to know Jason wasn't dating anyone so we continuing our little flirt but then he did get a girlfriend and I was sad but I was too busy to notice the pain but then I remember the pain wasn't that bad anymore but tolerable then he broke up with her but then I was still very busy with my school work and internship I didn't have time to notice again but when I did have time I would try to get his attention but not making it to obvious.

So then my internship ended and I had all my school on top so I had time to notice Jason more but the thing was I wasn't bitter with Jason I wasn't mad or sad I was shockingly happy for Jason? Yeah I know why?! well because I was happy for Jason and I wasn't bitter girl I am happy for Jason no matter what.

May 27, 2013 my birthday and there was one person I wanted to say happy birthday and it was Jason duh and I was happy he did say happy birthday to me it made my day and I felt different or so I say I felt something else then grad nite May 28, 2013 that feeling of different and then I realize something why I felt different towards Jason and everything.

Its because I came with conclusion that I love Jason aha I know crazy right? but its true I will always love Jason no matter what and will never be mad at him or stay mad at him and that no matter what I can't cut him out my life and he will always have a special place in my heart.

So yes people I am crazy..crazy in love with Jason and will always :) I know we can't be together but doesn't mean I can't love him.

and I know he won't see this but "I love you Jason" <3