Hello Stranger

Well guys I'm back! it feels like forever since I actually blog, for that I am sorry. Mainly I'm on twitter unleashing my anger on the world aha so anyway I am 19 now funny I started to blog when I was 17 and now here I am 19 I feel so old. Anyway while I was gone I still have many problems in my life mainly "My Parents" I'm starting to think they really do hate me, you see I still haven't got sign up for college nor gone my driving license mainly: I suck at test taking its not like my stupid I just have a hard time taking test. Though if you ask my dad he would say I'm stupid..maybe he's right I don't know anymore. Anyway!! so because of those reasons my parents have deed me stupid,useless,ungrateful and lazy, funny thing I'm the one who wash their clothes and fold them and put them away yet I'm still lazy?

So that's my main problem and you know I am only human I do have feelings and if anything they should know how emotional disturb I am, but no if anything they use that and call me a drama queen or cry baby.I do hard not to cry because it gives them power and that's power I don't want to give them. Like I said I'm only human I'm bound to have a few tears slip here and there though I feel like crying all the time because how they treat me. Its like I'm a stranger living in the house and no one wants me around because I'm the stranger, even my own little sister tells me cruel things like our parents.

I thought about death...I thought maybe it could set me free from my prison, but then I think I don't want to die when there is so much I haven't seen or done that I'm not ready for that I want to live! See I get confident for a second then go back to my depressing mood, my parents aren't even trying to get me a job at this point I'm applying for any job just to get a job just to prove I'm something not a stranger living in their house for free. I'm trying so hard to get a job I'm really am but not much is open where I live, I thought about leaving California and heading to Washington. I have always wanted to live there but then I think there's nothing there for me when I have nothing in my pockets.

I also thought about leaving to England ahah funny huh? but that's a place I wanted to live too I have a friend living there and thought maybe I could live with him but then again I have to money to pay for a ticket there or have a passport which also costs a lot of money and to have all my stuff shipped there I just don't know anymore. My parents helped my brother get a job took him to college got all the classes he needed and drove him there but me? no I have to figure all that by myself and I am so lost and trying to hard to find the answers. My little sister thinks its funny it probably is funny.

I'm just a joke to my family my age doesn't even get me respect anymore no one cares about me only that I'm failing in life, it could be worse I could be knocked up or do drugs but no I'm in my room day and night either cleaning or reading but still I am the villain

News

Its been awhile since I last blog, you'll have to excuse me there lately I just vent on twitter but even there it seem no one cares I have some news that's been going on I might have a new neighbor Jason is supposedly moving into that house so yay I have him as my neighbor note my sarcasm in that sentences he told and I quote "No more of a way of me torturing you in the sense that I would be a lot closer than you thought" Isn't that great. Zack coming home this year for xmas even though I am quite worry about him because it is also when his wife die last year so I need to keep an eye on him he worries me and I just want be a good friend and watch over him like he has for me.

I also wrote something for him and send it to him I suppose you can call it a memory I am fond of and a reminder here I post it on here look down.........................

I suppose you can say this a story or a memory that I am quite fond of, it’s about some someone I met when I was lonely freshmen in high school and how this person impacted my life. I guess I’ll start with the beginning, I had come into Pete Knight freshmen year but it was different I was alone with no best friends and very scared of a new place, but one thing I felt safe knowing my older brother Freddy a senior then was going to be there and although the relationship between my older brother and me is very confusing and odd but we had a bond. But I will tell you Freddy isn’t your normal older brother Freddy is very calm and emotionless man wearing a poking face and raising an iron fist, I would have thought being his little sister Freddy would help me in high school knowing I am scared and nervous. In the end I was wrong…you see Freddy only helped me one time, it the first day and told me where to go I still didn’t know he left and I was on my own looking, safe to say by the end of the day I was miserable and beyond hurt how my brother treated me, school was miserable and I hated every minute of it. Luck was on my side though after 5 weeks or so my last period was P.E. and I was the first in line for the number line and saw I had an a TA. Little did I know the man standing in front of me looking down at me was going to be my best friend, my brother. So after that day I would see this guy walk through the desert just like me and of course he ignore me he had always seem he was in a hurry and walked funny he would walk so fast his bag pack would swing back and forth it was funny to see and I would laugh seeing it.

More weeks past and I got the courage to start talking to him of course I was scared of him he was big and tall and had this mean guy look I was scared of him but at the same time I didn’t I’d found out his name was Zack, and then after that I was completely comfortable with him I can imagine why would I be comfortable knowing his name well it just felt good knowing someone name it felt good knowing someone and talking to someone soon after that I made friends in my P.E. period, then I got the courage and of course asked shyly to him if it was okay if I walked with through the desert I was scared he’ll say no but I was wrong he smiled and agreed, at first I didn’t talk Zack was either talking to his friends Ralf or Eric or Marylyn I didn’t talk I was just happy walking with someone. Soon enough Zack cracked me and I started to talk and talk and talk and talk once he got me started I found my voice and never shut up. Then came the first moment I could trust Zack and knew he would protect me, I was getting harass by a boy who I found uncomfortable I didn’t like him but he always but his arm around me just plainly made me uncomfortable. It would happen right after sixth period then I would meet Zack at the beginning of the desert walk together until I reach the stop sign and wait for my mom, my mom knew about how the guy harassing me. So one day Zack walked me to stop sign and walk away I saw my mom’s car pull up and roll the window down talking to Zack so I started to walk towards them. By the time I got there I asked what’s up Zack patted my head and said he’ll tell me tomorrow.

The following day I’d asked Zack what my mom said to him, it would seem my mom asked Zack to watch over me to walk me with until she came so mainly to stay with me until my mom came and he agreed I was touched honestly here this boy who barely knew me promised to watch over me, that day I knew Zack was a friend worth having. Fast forward a little bit I was corner by the guy I’d saw Zack and Ralf coming but Ralf got to me first and ripped me from the boy’s grasp saving me from more harassment the second time it was Zack he grab my wrist and pulled me to his side and kept walking even though the boy was yelling my name, I never seen that boy again ever since I started to walk with Zack I was left alone for which I am grateful for. After that Zack became my best friend in my eye and we started to talk more learning about each other arguing with each other playing around walking home together until my mom came and gave him rides home keeping me company through the long walk home always making sure I wasn’t on the edge of the sidewalk making sure I talk my feeling out just making sure I stay a sane person. My freshmen year wasn’t too bad although I went through the heart ache of being in love with this guy Kevin, Zack was there to make me feel better and in a way made me come out my shell to make new friends which I did and always introduce them to Zack where they too started to adore his company.

Sophomore year I came back to the school more comfortable then last time and was super excited to see my friend Zack since I only saw him once over the summer and just like last year we fell into our normal after school routine it was perfect I made new friends new classes a new me. The time I knew Zack was my brother was when I went through I guess a hard time I found out I failed the CAHSEE math part and it crushed me it was “A” snack and I was in the library trying so hard to hold the tears back Zack found me and one glance and he knew something was wrong he’s open his arms for me and without hesitation I ran into his arms and cry and cry and cry and cry, I never cried so hard but Zack sat there patiently with me until I stop of course I said sorry I just soaked his once gray shirt into dark gray shirt but like always he smiled and patted my head not to worry and gave me words of encouragement that I can pass it the next time, at that moment I cry again not because of the CAHSEE but because Zack had become the brother I wanted so badly he’d became the brother my own brother couldn’t be he was there for his little sister and that’s when I knew Zack wasn’t just my best friend now he was now my big brother. Because up until then Freddy never acknowledge at school never said hi just always ignore me it crushed me and then one time I took matters into my own hands, I saw Freddy at lunch and got so excited I ran to him and hugged him, I knew something was wrong when he stiffen and pull away and not even looking at me told me to go away and never do that again. So if you can imagine I lost a brother but gain a much better brother but I will always love my older brother Freddy, Zack will just be the better brother to me. As I was saying sophomore year was good to me I got my first kiss and telling Zack everything and him always being so supporting to me I adore him as my brother, always going to the library with me always waiting patient for me or tolerating my bipolar self, the end of the year was coming Zack was a senior it was his last year and I knew next year when I was a junior he wasn’t going to be there. Zack wasn’t going to be there when I need him no more walking home together no more goofing around and acting like completely morons mostly me, I just couldn’t imagine high school without his help without his advice his guidance but as always Zack patted my head smile and told me I can do it and if I needed anything I could always text him, and I thought maybe I can do this.

Of course high school wasn’t the same without him but with Zack believing in me I knew I can do my best in high school junior year came by Zack join the army and even though I was sad about it I had to support him like he supported me. I told him how everything was going how everything was bad happen like how my mom would discourage me and Zack siding with her with a good point scowling at me like a brother would do with a little sister, senior year came Zack visited when he could we always kept in touch no matter what and my goal that year was to have Zack be there for my graduation but I was scared too because I still haven’t pass my stupid math CAHSEE and I was worry to disappoint him. Christmas break Zack coming home and had some exciting news he was going to proposal to the love of his life Liz I was beyond happy for him and couldn’t wait to go the wedding and just be happy for him he deserve it. But sometimes fate has other plans, god had decided to take a life which left Zack heartbroken I won’t go into details it isn’t my place to tell the tale what happen just say Zack lost something precious to him, I was mad, I was md at the driver who hit them, I was mad at god or whatever higher power that is up there I was mad my brother’s happiness was taken from him and he was suffering I was just mad how cruel the world is. But Zack being how Zack was different he accepted fate and knew she was in a better place looking down on him, and with that Zack was a different man still the same but off key. May came fast and next thing I knew I was graduating from high school and found out I had pass the CAHSEE telling Zack before my own mom and was so excited for him to know I did it, I pass it. With the news I was able to walk I got more great news Zack was going to be at my graduation.

I was beyond happy I was walking; I was going to grad nite and have my best friend see me walk in graduation I couldn’t ask for more.  It’s because one person, one man who change the difference in me one man who had fate in me when I felt one no one did. When I felt hopelessly sad and discourage from everyone else he was there to give me a hug and tell me I can do this, he was my big brother when my own brother wasn’t there for me when I needed him the most, he took the role and has been the best job possible, aha there are moments when he would scowl me but only because he need what was best for me when I acted pig headed brat he did it because I’m his little sister. And finally I had a role model brother to look up sure he isn’t the best one but he is in my eyes. I’m glad this guy who was a total stranger to me in the beginning and I would never thought he would be someone so important me aha he became my savior, I honestly don’t what I have done if Zack Carvajal wasn’t in my life. Zack you’re my brother, you know I am always here for you just how you were there for me! I love you big brother and I am so proud to say we’re friends, I sometimes randomly cry because I do miss you and worry about you a lot and I think about messaging you see how you’re doing but I think maybe he’s busy aha I’m sorry for that, everything I most do I think what would Zack think? I’ll love you forever and I’m sorry to say you’re stuck with me forever bud.

So this is for you Zack, my best friend, my big brother, my family. I took long saying this but Thank You, thank you Zack thank you so much for being there for me thank you for everything you done for me. I’m lucky to have you in my life, I treasure that fact in my life :)

Sorry its a bit long huh but hey its a reminder for him.

 

Spoil Sport

SO friend's birthday and shit are my ears red ahaha see I post a cute pic of my friend sleeping and blah blah and he got all mad and pissed off but like no need to get mad it was a harmless joke like I post this picture on my instagram before I have no idea why now he's making a huge deal of it but whatever he'll forget it by the end of the day he just need to calm his marbles and a deep breathe but I do feel slightly bad but I couldn't help myself ahaha but I erase the picture he just needs to calm himself I did was he said, at least me and the girl Sara thought the picture was cute

Just so damn tired now

There are things in my life that make me so mad like my family are seriously the most evil annoying assholes who get pleasure in making my life miserable like right now I try telling my mom what happen last night on twitter where some asshole was making fun on my friend so I defend him and it was great but I try to tell my mom but my little sister kept talking over me and soon I just didn't want to say because I was already mad about something else which I'll tell you after this, so my mom is like whatever I don't care then she mocked me saying "Watch now she's going to type about how much a bitch I am" which yes I am doing now so yeah you are a fucking bitch you only care what your son or other daughter is fucking doing!

So I was mad in the beginning because my dad is a fucking dickhead I let my dog out to use the bathroom I told him and he's like all pissed off I seriously don't understand what the difference between the backyard and the across the street so apparently my fucking father is a fucking a dog whisper so he just pissed me off and doesn't help that my little sister is a fucking little spoil shit face smartass dipshit girl. Honestly I hate my family I hate how they act I hate how they judge me so quickly I hate them in general.

I hate how they make me cry all the times from their means word and judging me acting if they are god to judge me so yeah I have a lot of angry towards them I hate they don't include me and not even trying to involve me which is fine don't talk to me I am fine by myself without any of them I don't want their fucking love and support I don't need them I only have myself to trust.

Viewers

Hello my awesome viewers you guys know I love you!!! anyway I want to say I am so sorry if my blogs been a bit depressing I promise to more funny and entertaining get me any topic and I'll talk about it

Insulted

I wonder why my dad feels the need to insult me every minute of the day why does he always have to call me stupid or lazy or fat ass why does he feel the need to insult me all the time? I will tell you why because my dad is an asshole a selfish mean son of a bitch words can not describe how much I hate him so much how much he makes me cry and feel like shit.

I don't understand fathers are suppose to loving to their daughter always trying to make them smile when my father rather throw insults at me it does make me cry because my dad and I use to be so close when I was little I used to be daddy's girl I loved my dad more than anyone but as soon as I got other he became so mean and heartless always insulting me now...I can hear him in the room complaining how I'm a big fat liar and of course my mom agrees with him.

Why shouldn't I be surprise both of them talking shit about me I should be used of them talking shit about me but the truth is I may look like I don't care but deep down I do very much every insult I get is a cut in my heart and let me tell you right now my heart is already broken and barely recovering but then I get an insult from my lovely mother and father and the wounds are back.

I fall into depression because I feel so alone with both parents hating my guts both of them looking at me in disgust and looking down on me like I will never be anything in life, want to know something so funny my own parents think I'm a slut funny right? I'm still a virgin here and only kissed two guys and that makes me a slut a girl who never gets to leave the house is a slut yes that makes a lot of sense.

I just hate my life :(

Feeling of Meaning

            I can’t help but feel remorse towards the one I used to call “my love” yet I was plague but this disease of love and wanted nothing to more to take my share of love, yet I was wrong by taking my fair share of love because it was not mine to take.  It was suppose to be a token of the one who loves you for you but not to steal it away from someone else, it may be consider as a sin for stealing something so precise and beautiful but yet something that can kill you in the end if you do not treat it right or respect it.Nonetheless the words “Love is a blessing to some but yet can be a curse at the same time” thus people ignore the clear warning given out a silent message yet no one ever hears this warning, a warning everyone should take serious yet always forget, in the end they always regret never listening to the warning and thought to themselves if they did, would the outcome be different?  The outcome could be different all depending in what I would do different but then people might not change their past mistakes.Some people think its okay to make mistakes to learn from their mistakes, but do people really do that? Do they really learn from their mistakes and not go back to the people they once love? No it can’t be, people make mistakes all the time including going back to the people that make them happy. Would someone consider this a sin? Is it a sin to be happy to go to back to the people who put a smile on your face and broke your heart, is it sin to try to love that person? How can it be?Obviously that person made you happy right? It’s only natural to still feel love for them, to hate them but at the same time still love those in the back of your heart never forget. But you will forget but the thought will always be in your heart reminding you of your past but what can you do about it? Not much, honestly not much…Love is a beautiful blessing that can rock your world and send you into a land where there are no worries but it can be a curse bring so much pain and misery, but in the end it’s up to you to make it a blessing or a curse.